How (& What) Psychedelics Helped Me
By Emma Soleil
Until 2019, for as long as I can remember, I was on a rollercoaster of emotions. My memories from my childhood consisted primarily of anger, resentment, sadness, helplessness, fear, frustration, stress, anxiety, shame, loneliness, and distrust. Without realizing it, to protect myself from all of the emotional pain, I became chronically and severely dissociated. From that place of disconnection from myself, I began to unconsciously build a life that was heavily motivated by fear. I was unknowingly terrified of my own vulnerability and unconsciously refused to even recognize it. In retrospect, it was clearly reflected by the work I chose in finance, which gave me enough resources to be hyper independent and was so time intensive I could use it as an excuse for being unable to go deeper in my relationships. My coping mechanisms had succeeded in protecting me, but at the cost of joy for life and basic human connection. In 2018, after years of being unaware that I was in a constant state of fear, I began to suffer severe anxiety attacks – feeling trapped by my own makings. In 2019, I experienced psychedelics for the first time and they were instrumental in liberating me. Here is what helped and how:
Each time I have experienced ayahuasca, it has shown me what fears are lurking in my subconscious that are most negatively impacting my life at that time. One of the most interesting experiences I have had with it is accessing frightening memories from my lineage which were not my own and of which I was previously unaware, but were nonetheless driving a number of my fearful, self-sabotaging behaviors. I've also had several metaphysical revelations facilitated by ayahuasca which have informed my understanding of reality and how I now choose to move through the world.
For context, in 2019, I visited Arkana Spiritual Center at its location in the Amazon Jungle. Over the course of a week, I experienced four sittings with ayahuasca. Then again in 2021, I visited Arkana Spiritual Center, but this time at its popup in Mexico, and experienced three more sittings with ayahuasca. In neither case did I think I would like to experience ayahuasca before booking the retreat. Instead I felt called, first by phonetically receiving "sikedeliks" during meditation which I put into google and then just booked a bunch of retreats with different psychedelics since the message wasn't more specific. And then again by a vision during meditation. In neither case did I know why I was being called and it was only by "answering" and sitting with the plant medicine did it become apparent. Returning was helpful for me because a different set of fears were addressed in each retreat. In both cases my unconscious fears were pushing me so far out of alignment I wasn't able to even recognize it or correct couse. Ayahuasca helped me see those fears clearly and with that awareness I was better able to make life choices that better served my spirit.
Separately, but also interestingly, in the 2019 retreat, ayahuasca induced a significant detox / purge for me and for about six months following the retreat I was completely relieved of my allergies. This was my first clue that allergies can be a physical manifestation of a subconscious mental / emotional trigger.
While ayahuasca showed me all the fears inhibiting my ability to create a life I love, peyote was the encouragement that I could trust the universe to support me in the creation of my dreams. I experienced it once in 2021 while I was at Arkana Spiritual Center's Mexico popup.
Psilocybin is unique because in micro doses its effects are almost imperceptible, perhaps offering slightly heightened creativity. However, at higher doses it's possible to have a full-on multi-hour experience. My first encounter with psilocybin was with Mushroom Tao in 2019 where I consumed a hero's dose and the experience lasted about eight hours.
Contrary to ayahuasca and peyote, both of which offered significant self discoveries, that experience with psilocybin emphasized to me the interconnectedness of all life and highlighted the relationships I needed to heal. It cracked open the walls around my heart and helped me recognize how much I wanted to feel loved by my family and how I needed to grow to improve those relationships. That's not to say that my family was ill intentioned, but we did have a very painful dynamic that this experience, subsequently integrated through PSYCH-K®, helped us to evolve out of.
5MeO-DMT (aka Bufo aka Sapo)
5MeO-DMT is available both in synthetic and natural versions. Having tried both, I prefer the natural version – I've experienced it to be meaningfully different and I've had more profound revelations with it as compared to the synthetic version. That said, there are some serious ethical considerations when sourcing natural 5MeO-DMT because of the potential for animal abuse, species endangerment, and involvement with cartels. I would avoid consuming natural 5MeO-DMT unless you are certain about how it was procured. I experienced it with Arkana Spiritual Center, which to my knowledge has set up a sanctuary for the toad from which 5MeO-DMT is derived.
There is no negotiating with 5MeO-DMT. It's a short experience, lasting anywhere from about five to 30 minutes and it took me straight back to Source (or what many may call G-O-D). I've also known it to induce a purge of any emotions running subconscious in the background. It is as if the body is a vessel holding emotions and 5MeO-DMT pours out all of those emotions. That said, unless the shape of the vessel is changed – and its shape is determined by its beliefs – the vessel will fill again with the same emotions in the same proportions.
Each of the aforementioned psychedelics can dramatically increase awareness. In this way, they can offer similar insights in just one journey that might have otherwise taken years of therapy to uncover. That said, knowledge is useless if not applied – knowing isn't feeling and feeling drives behavior and therefore creates reality. After my experiences with psychedelics in 2019, I felt very "awake", and yet even though I had all this knowledge / awareness, I still continued to do as I was doing – further frustrating myself by knowingly living inauthentically. I learned in 2021 that my compulsion to continue as I was despite knowing "better" was because the subconscious is a million times more powerful than the conscious mind and so it's what determines our actions. The subconscious is also totally automated by the age of seven so awareness alone isn't enough to create change. The subconscious requires reprogramming in order to create the desired change, but it can only be reprogrammed after the age of seven in a handful of ways including trauma, repetition, hypnosis, or PSYCH-K®. Of these methods I found PSYCH-K® to be the least invasive, most efficient way to remove subconscious limiting beliefs, perceptions, and traumas and it is the most powerful tool for integration support that I have experienced.
If you decide to try psychedelics, I recommend you set an intention for self discovery and growth and that you consume them in a ceremonial setting with professionals who can support you during your experience. I have had positive experiences with both Arkana Spiritual Center and Mushroom Tao and recommend them. If you're curious about either or both, send me a note via the contact form and I'll connect you with their leadership.